Light at the End of the Tunnel

Hello everyone I hope I find you well, as you all know if you’ve seen my last couple of blog posts I’ve been going through an MS relapse.. this one has kind of knocked me back not just physically but also mentally too and I’d just like to share my journey and hiwnim doing now..  

When the relapsed happened I was on the bus to work… (I got into how the relapsed happened more in this blog entry ) 

At the beginning even though my entire left side was numb I was surprisingly cheery and upbeat.. positive and happy.. I knew I just had to deal with it and adapt and that’s what I did… All simple right?… Not quite. 

Two weeks into my relapse and I started to develop anxiety and low mood/ a little depression.. I became terrified about leaving the house in case “something happened” or in case “I was seen out by my work colleagues” it got to a stage where even going to see my doctor set off an anxiety attack… Now my Doctor is amazing (She’s actually a nurse practitioner but I call her my hero GP lol — I’m sure she would laugh if she ever read this!) She’s always sorted me out for literally day one! She’s just the best and there’s nothing really else to describe her… She was sad to see me in the state that I was and set out to put me back together.

I was given a low dose of Amitriptyline for the pain and as a mild anti-depressant and a short course of steroids to help with the relapse… She also told me that I needed to get out of the house and enjoy the wonders that the world has to offer… Now even this was a challenge at the stage I was at.. even though my doctor, a medically qualified professional told me that I needed to go out and do things.. I felt terrified! 

I felt vunerable because I’ve had to rely on people (mainly my partner) to help to do day to day things, so going out for even a short walk alone was a no go at the moment… Then when family or friends did come and take me out, I felt a massive sense of guilt and I was anxious in case I was seen “out” when I was off work sick… It’s difficult also because I don’t “look sick”. 

This was a dark time that I was in.. I was constantly asking George for reassurance that if I went out I would be fine and that it was okay to do… I was so exhausted from over thinking, which believe me I tried to stop doing– it’s just not that simple.. therefore I would get quite emotional… Basically…. A mess!!

So, with the words of my Doctor telling me that I needed to go out… I went out for the first proper time with my Aunt. She took me to a little pub just on the outskirts of where I loved to have afternoon tea… Now although this was lovely and delicious I felt that I couldn’t quite enjoy myself.. I felt like I was being naughty and that I shouldn’t be enjoying myself so I was a little on edge.. but… One hurdle passed.

Sunday just passed our lovely friends invited us over to their house for a BBQ… I wanted to go but something inside my head was stopping me.. I was “umming and arring” for ages.. asking George’s advice on whether we should go or not.. then I just decided to go.. whilst there I didn’t have an anxiety attack as I felt ‘safe’ because we were inside their house where I didn’t feel like I was being “watched” I managed to enjoy myself. 

Next hurdle that I faced was going to a country park near where I live too with my sister and have drink with her. This I managed quite well because it was quiet and warm.. not a cloud in the sky and we just sat at the Waterside cafe and watched the water and of course spoke about Love Island lol! 
Right… This has to be the biggest hurdle I’ve faced this week… Going to visit my councillor on my own and then getting a taxi to visit my Doctor and meeting George there.. I was very anxious and nervous about doing this.. but plucked up the courage and went. 

I had a great session with my councillor and she’s helping me a lot to feel better and to not feel guilty or anxious about going out when I’m sick off work.. she said that I need to go out and enjoy myself to help my recovery and mental well being.. she also told me if I felt like it after I’d been to the doctors to pop into work to see my friends/co-workers as it would do me good and help with my confidence.

This was huge for me and after id seen my Doctor who was impressed that I was trying my best to get out and about and she also referring me for some physio therapy to help with my mobility, which will be good.. after this.. I ventured into work. 

I was so nervous (borderline terrified) but I needn’t be.. everyone was so lovely and welcoming.. they all have me hugs and wanted to know how I was.. and more importantly they all told me that I shouldn’t be staying at home and that I should be going out as that’s part of my recovery… I think hearing those words from them was massive and has really boosted my confidence.. so today (Friday 7th July) mum picked me up.. we went to a little shopping centre near where I lived and I got some new bits from Boots… I was a little weary of what was going on and I did feel anxious at times.. I did feel like I was being watched.. but I took a deep breath and relaxed and remembered where I was and that no-one was paying any attention much to me.. 

I love all of these products and I feel so proud that I went into Boots to buy them! 

We then headed to the joining Garden centre and had a lovely Afternoon Tea and a look around all the pretty flowers.. my mum very kindly treated me to one pot and I purchased myself the other.. I love them.. then we came home and here I am writing this! 

 I’ve been in a very dark place.. I called it a hole and I felt like a tiny rabbit.. terrified to come out… But I’m slowly overcoming this and getting better! 

I’m going away on Sunday for a few days to visit my Aunt so I will continue to enjoy the wonders that this world has to offer.. 

I’m sorry this blog post has been long.. but I wanted to talk about my journey and how there is light at the end of the tunnel.. however long your tunnel may be.. one little steps at a time! 

Thanks for ready, as always if you leave a comment the I’ll reply to all. 

Lots of Love

Hannah xx


4 thoughts on “Light at the End of the Tunnel

  1. trippingthroughtreacle says:

    Those feelings of guilt are so difficult, aren’t they Hannah? I have been off work now for almost three months and I am so conscious that I should try and a keep a ‘low profile’ e.g. facebook pictures, in case work see. But like everyone told you, being out and about is so important for us recovery wise. I’m glad you had a nice time and work were supportive xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • hannahelizasite says:

      Hey lovely, yes definitely.. especially when people say “just tell your anxiety to go away” etc lol.. I just humour people cause they have no idea what it’s like and how hard it can be.. but I’m doing well which is great! How are you? I hope you’re okay xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

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